Disclaimer : This Entry Will Be Pretty Emotional . Readers Who Cannot Stand It Kindly Leave The Blog . You Wouldn't Want To Read It And I Don't Want You To Either .
i had a fun time with iris over at the macdonalds @ taman jurong area .
we intended to revise for tomorrow's papers there .
but things somehow didn't work out .
we spent the whole time there talking .
laughed alot of course . :D
but there were some heart-to-heart talks too .
it's been long since i thought about alot of things .
it's been long since i talked about it .
i was running away from it the whole time .
never daring to really approach the subject .
and yes, i must say for the past few months things went alright .
i had iris and rashidah to laugh with me in school and plus i had my obsessions to keep me happy .
and at home i didn't have a choice but to study so my mind didn't wander off .
memories were buried and i thought they were very well dead .
but the conversation i had with iris today somehow dug everything up and yahs, everything's still very much alive .
i don't know, honestly i really have no idea .
i'm tired already .
very .
i seem to be doing things which does NOT matter one bit .
things which i'm doing because i'm too emotional and that i take things to seriously .
things which matter millions to me but zero to others .
somehow, i don't understand .
yes, i don't complain that life is unfair anymore .
but why must it ALWAYS be me ?
and why do i still do the things which don't matter ?
everything i do has a reason .
yes, sometimes i do act on impulse .
when i feel like doing something, i just go on with it .
having absolutely no consideration of what consequences will follow .
it's because people matter to me, that's why i do things for them .
and i do things from my HEART .
i don't do things for fun .
NO .
take for example today .
hell, i shouldn't have asked her if she was okay .
i mean, i didn't ask her just because iris dared me to .
that would be childish .
i did it because somehow i felt that i really cared .
i asked .
she answered .
and i was okay with the whole thing until iris told me that she was being rude .
i never took notice of that actually, i was just happy i got to talk to her .
and suddenly when i think of it ..
it sucked to the core .
yes, i know it sounded SO silly when i asked her " then how? " .
but ..
i just blabbered whatever was in my mind because it came from the heart .
and it was like, SINCERE .
in the end i got some very DUH response from her .
and then she turned away .
i didn't notice anything at first because i was more concerned about her than the conversation .
but when iris told me that her response was rude, it suddenly came to me that her response was really very "duh, whatever~" .
not so much of the rudeness actually .
and it just occured to me that well, maybe she thinks i'm talking to her for FUN, because i had nothing to do, because i wanted to amuse myself .
yes, it sure was lame .
but at least it came from the heart .
yes, no where else but the heart okay ?
and i have the feeling she's replying because she had no choice and she was obliged to .
and please, i'd rather her not reply, than to reply it just to entertain me .
because i've NEVER looked upon her as an ENTERTAINMENT .
and listen, i'm not angry with her .
i won't be because i look up to her way too much .
i'm just getting emotional .
sure, very .
i know one day i'm gonna look back at this entry and shudder, but it's just the way i feel now .
mood swings, they happen .
and same goes to the other she .
chocolate and _____ .
stupid?
yes, very .
but again, it's from the heart .
it wasn't an obligation to get anything .
i got it because i wanted to, because i look up to her .
and if she doesn't really like or appreciate them, i'm crushed .
totally .
i know i'm assuming things, i'm saying this which have not happened and probably will not even happen .
but i'm only saying IF .
i'm thinking so much today that i can't stand myself anymore .
i'm too sensitive .
MOOD SWINGS do happen .
and this better stop soon if not i think i'll really turn imbecilic .
this is me .
i am emotional .
over emotional that sometimes i really feel like throwing knives at myself .
i hate taking things seriously .
i hate commitments .
because in the end i'll only be left either hurt or disappointed .
and damn it .
i've been telling and reminding myself all the time that i should not expect much .
and that i WILL not commit and will NOT take anything seriously.
but i do it all the same .
so, damn it .
i just couldn't concentrate during night study just now and i started writing .
it's supposed to be a poem .
but it doesn't rhyme because i couldn't think of rhymes .
so now it's more like the lyrics of a song .
again, stupid, but from the heart .
i was random though .
and i named it Silhouette .
darkness crept into the night,
stars in the vast sky hide .
her world crumbled into pieces
and everything suddenly ceased to shine .
she was thrown into a lie .
one which she knew would not be true .
she had finally come to realise
that all she had was empty, empty like a Silhouette .
dreams, they replayed in her sweet slumber .
hopes, they dashed inside her heart .
tears, they sunk deep into her teddy bears .
she, was still with nothing but her Silhouette .
she tells herself that life wasn't unfair .
that she still has her Silhouette to care .
but she feels it fading away .
disappearing into someone she herself can barely comprehend .
she was left alone to die,
in a world where stars don't shine .
she was left alone to cry,
beside the Silhouette she could never define .
she loved all her friends,
hoping that they'll be there when rough times come .
but time and again reality shows,
that all she hoped was barely there .
that everything was a facade, that nobody really cared .
one by one, she tried to trust .
one by one, they shattered the glass .
friends are stars to her .
but they were no ordinary stars .
friends are shooting stars which she makes wishes upon .
shooting stars which will soon disappear .
and all she would have left beside her,
would be nothing but her Silhouette .
cclarice copyrighted .
i did it from scratch . (:
i still feel horrid now .
awfully .
i should not have got angry with the "duh whatever" response .
i really shouldn't have .
today's such a sucky day .
damn it.
im gonna throw rotten eggs at it .
*SCREAMS*
" i ASKED and gave the things with SINCERITY, from the Heart .
i have never viewed this as ENTERTAINMENT .
and i really shouldn't have got angry .
sorry and i hate myself today . "
and i'm glad i said bye anyway .
and i'm glad it was returned .
but please, NOT for the purpose of entertaining me .
sincerity please .
11:21 PM
♥クラリス～☆˚
